NOV–18–2024
Words by: Jenna Sents and Colette Goldstein
Graphic by: Midjourney
Graphic by: Midjourney
I’ll be scrolling through social media and suddenly I’ll get hit with a video explaining why I need to break up with my partner: They show signs of this red flag, or, as of late, this “beige flag” - a newer term describing an attribute that is not an end-all to the relationship, but not particularly attractive, either.
When I let these videos affect me — when I begin to spiral about how they might apply to my life — I’ve noticed my relationship starts to suffer. I’ll start to blow up situations in my head and detect “problems” that aren’t actually congruent with reality.
It’s like I’m “WebMD-ing” my relationship. You know when you type one common cold symptom into your search bar, and all of the sudden you’re reading about your impending death? My light cough, once trivial, is now an indication of lung cancer — that kind of thing? Well, Tik Tok arguably offers WebMD-esque solutions to “problems” that weren’t even problems to begin with.
Much of this relationship “advice” is circumstantial rather than applicable to a wide range of audiences receiving it…that’s the real problem here. Just like a majority of the times with WebMD, TikTok does not know your exact situation. While it can be a helpful reference, some random user you’ve never met is not qualified to be your love doctor.
A study done in July 2024 asked young adults how they felt about TikTok in the context of romantic relationships. In terms of viewing relationship content, feedback varied from “increases intimacy,” to “creates insecurity” and “increases relationship standards.” One participant from the study mentioned that on social media, he sees many couples have “some of the same experiences. So, it’s kind of reassuring.” I’ve certainly reaped these benefits before, sending my partner relatable relationship content that either makes us laugh, or helps us know that we are not alone in specific struggles.
On the other hand, there are also many videos I see that do create insecurity or make me feel unworthy. One trend I’ve noticed in particular is the normalization of discourse on attachment styles. Attachment styles are the result of a person’s relationship with their caregiver as an infant. While there is nothing inherently wrong about discussing attachment styles, these videos can exert an anxiety-inducing ultimatum onto your relationship: if you are (insert attachment style), then it means (insert the fate of your relationship).
After hours going down the attachment style rabbit hole, learning what is “wrong” with me based on my emotionally-avoidant or anxious-clingy nature, I realized that I am putting too much pressure on myself and my relationship to be perfect. Relationships are not cookie-cutter, nor do they need to be constantly airbrushed. I may see frame after frame of “perfect” relationships depicted on TikTok, but these aren’t always representative of the whole truth.
A major cause for this hysteria from relationship-tok could be humanity’s innate drive for social comparison. As social beings, we want to solidify an “in-group,” feel a part of something. In that, we feel protected. We want to feel like we are on the right track, doing the right thing, in the right way. Because of this, we look at ourselves through the lens of what other people do. Social media is practically a petri dish for social comparison.
I remember watching a TikTok where a girl got broken up with and she responded with indifference. Saying, “that’s fine,” she goes on to describe how she doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with her. While I applaud her approach to the situation, due to my incline for comparison, the video gave me the impression that I shouldn’t be hurt over a breakup, when in reality, her video framed a specific instance, of a specific perspective, of specific person, of a specific breakup — and had nothing to do with my specific instances, or perspectives, or partners, etc. It’s okay to be sad and cry over a breakup, just like it’s okay to be indifferent. The most important thing is understanding that one video will not define your entire relationship and guide you perfectly through dating.
So, it’s best to take each video with a grain of salt and evaluate how its lesson might or might not apply to you. While social media can be a helpful resource for understanding different warning signs in relationships, the best way to know if you’re doing the right thing in your relationship is by practicing healthy communication — between you and your partner or a trusted individual who is close to the relationship — and striving to stay rooted in what you know to be reality.