Words by: Lotty Loveridge
Graphic by: Hannah Landon
If this sounds familiar, you may have experienced limerence. Limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s to put words to something many of us feel, but few are aware of. It’s not lust, a heavy and heated superficial attraction, and it’s definitely not love which is more ethereal, possibly sitting between adoration and trust. Limerence is an obsessive, deep longing and despite those few-and-far-between euphoric moments of connecting with the other person, it is often uncomfortable and difficult to experience. Our brains get caught in thought loops; replaying previous interactions with the other person, daydreaming about future interactions. It can cause us to obsess over someone for months or years, leading us to miss out on other genuinely fulfilling relationships.
Limerence has been simply described as a cross between person-addiction and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Although more complicated than this, it’s a good place to start when first learning about the concept. Limerence is connected to attachment theory; an idea that all humans have an internal attachment system, some secure and some insecure, and this dictates how we relate to others. It’s theorized those who experience limerence struggle with insecure attachment.
Although limerence may sound like an intangible thing that happens in our minds, it has a very physical foundation with biochemical processes in the brain producing dopamine; well-known for its link to exhilaration and euphoria, but it’s also linked with sleeplessness and appetite loss. Another chemical released is called norepinephrine, which is associated with increased memory. So if you’ve ever wondered why you couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, why you remember every little thing about that person or why they feel like a drug, there is a physical reaction happening in your body that explains why.
It also explains why many people report feeling like they’re in drug withdrawal when away from that person. While other people can healthily have casual sex, those prone to limerence may experience chaotic, intrusive sexual thoughts and increased libido during time apart (i.e. withdrawing). There is nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic or enjoying sex, but without knowing the science of limerence, we can get lost in our own romanticisation and everything becomes a sign that we should continue pursuing that person.
Experts suggest mindfulness to cope with limerent thoughts, encouraging you to let them pass by and resisting to act on them. This will not ‘cure’ limerence however, and therapy is recommended for processing attachment wounds. It’s even been suggested that dating multiple people at once can help curb limerent feelings for those prone to it, as the brain is not focused solely on one person.
Although it may be hard to realize this person is not your soulmate handpicked by fate or a sex-god you’ve spent months chasing, this realization is good. It means you are not powerless in the situation; everything is inside you.