NOV–1–2024
Words by: Lily Wong
Graphic by: Midjourney
Graphic by: Midjourney
Cunnilingus, or the act of orally stimulating the vulva using the tongue and lips, is often decentralized in a world hyper-fixated on the penis. The patriarchy is alarmingly sneaky, seeping its influence into our lives, especially in ways we might not even be aware of. Unfortunately, because we are socially influenced, we take these subconsciously constructed beliefs with us everywhere- we snuggle them into our sheets as they whisper to us sweet nothings.
The centralization of the cis-gender, heterosexual man has consequently resulted in the centering of the penis and the subsequent marginalization of the vulva. Additionally, we live in a heteronormative world where the word “sex” is assumed to mean heterosexual, penis-in-vagina, penetrative sex. This belief has gone so far as to devalue all other sexual acts that are, very much so, sex. In case you need some examples, think finger-fucking, oral sex, handjobs, and absolutely anything else your deliciously deviant mind can conjure.
When sex is equated with the phallus, it devalues all sex devoid of the penis, therefore devaluing the sexual experiences and pleasure of certain groups such as queer people. So how can we begin to dismantle these social narratives and centralize the vulva-owner’s experience?
I argue that cunnilingus directly combats this dominant narrative, especially when done by facesitting, sometimes referred to as “queening” or “kinging.” Not only does cunnilingus centralize the pleasure of the vulva owner, but it can be done without any penetrative action at all. Moreover, facesitting gives the vulva owner the control in the coupling to move however and whenever it feels best, as well as determine the amount of pressure desired.
Of course, I’m not the sole voice advocating for pussy pleasure. So, I asked multiple people their thoughts on sex and facesitting including its relationship to sexual power dynamics, as well as its resistance towards larger social issues.
Tasha, an avid facesitter, describes how the sitter has the power physically. “[They’re] literally on top and can control the movement, but there is a power to being sat on in terms of vulnerability and the perspective you’re getting of the other person,” she says.
Madelyn, who has taken on the role of both the sitter and the sat-on, describes how both people have the power because, as she puts it, “the person who is sitting has the power to be free and express themselves through their body, and the person who is giving is allowing that person the safety to do that.” She adds, “it is very empowering to make someone feel that way.”
Another facesitter, Evelyn, expresses how there is a dual power. The sitter holds power because, as she eloquently puts it, “you’re riding that shit.” On the flip side, she mentions how a partner can ask you to do it. “It feels like you’re doing it for them instead of for yourself,” she says, regardless of who the sexual act is being performed upon.
While it’s clear both parties can hold power within the realm of facesitting, there is also a consensus on the fact that we take patriarchy to bed and that it undoubtedly holds power within our sex lives. Madelyn describes how we always opt for certain roles when we’re having sex.
“As fluid and free as we want to be, we still put ourselves in boxes of, ‘I’m doing this to you in a feminine way, and you’re doing this to me in a masculine way,’ and then we’re switching, and now you’re doing it in a feminine way, and I’m doing it in a masculine way,” she says.
So if we are subconsciously taking these roles and power dynamics to bed with us, how can we begin to combat this and centralize pussy pleasure? “Sex with somebody––free, fluid, open, and regardless of outside influences––can combat what we see in the media, in porn, and what the patriarchy thinks,” Madelyn expresses. In other words, more sex! Safe sex!
Evelyn says, “It’s not the act itself, but how we go about doing that act.” This includes being aware of, “who is asking for what and demanding for what,” she adds. Men often enter a sexual situation thinking they’re the ones who should be satisfied, with some even knowing they will finish, reflecting this patriarchal centralization. To combat this, Evelyn suggests heterosexual men should reevaluate how they go about sex and that they should always know their intentions behind sex. All interviewees also stressed open consent and communication. “It’s not always put into practice, but I think it’s the sexiest thing,” Tasha says. She also expresses how communication can be the gateway to shifting the focus of pleasure to the vulva owner.
At the end of the day, sex––whether you’re facesitting or not––is a connection tethered by trust, safety, and pleasure between two people, and that’s all that really matters. Everyone deserves to engage in intimacy however they feel most empowered and to find pleasure regardless of their gender presentation or body. However you partake in sex, I implore you to explore your pleasure and that of your partners’. Perhaps––if you’ve yet to try it––you could take a squat and explore the life-changing, pussy-centered world of sitting on face. As Madelyn aptly puts it, one of the best ways to dismantle society’s phallic frenzy is to simply “think with your vagina!”
Note to the Moody readers: Evelyn and Tasha are pseudonyms representing real-life facesitters!