Words by: Payton Jones
Graphic by: Nash Peña
The writers and producers got to pop their PLLussys in the Halloween episodes. Campy plot lines, bloody intros and terrible, terrible wigs; it was basically the second enlightenment. So, naturally, I must rank them. Of course, my rankings are subjective, but here are some of the criteria I used to categorize them:
- Was Alison DiLaurentis behaving menacingly?
- Was there a terrible, low-budget, Party City wig?
- Amount (or lack thereof) of ridiculousness.
Now that my highly scientific metrics are listed, let the ranking begin! Beware of spoilers
3rd place: Season 4 Episode 13: Grave New World
This placement might be controversial because, objectively, this is one of the most important episodes of the series. However, it was truly so boring in comparison to its competition. It starts with Hannah, Aria, Spencer and Emily going to a Civil War-themed party in a graveyard (?) in Ravenswood (deserved better). There was an amazing, breathtaking scene of the four girls finding a hidden door that leads to a crypt (stay with me). Once inside, there is a randomly strong gust of wind, and the girls grab each other's hands so no one gets blown away. That is until Aria looks back for Hannah and finds that her hand has been replaced by that of a statue (there was no explanation, so don’t look for one). They end up going into a haunted mansion and getting attacked by A, who is wearing a gas mask and carrying gardening tools, only to escape before something catastrophic happens.
You might be thinking: Does the ridiculousness end here? No. Once the girls get back to Rosewood, they see a mysterious Red Coat running into the backyard. They chase and corner her and then……….Red Coat turns around. It’s Alison. Alison is alive and has been faking her death for two years.
Was Alison DiLaurentis behaving menacingly? Yes. Sneaking around in your BFF’s backyard after you made them believe you were dead and let them look for your killer for two years is undoubtedly menacing.
Was there a terrible, low-budget, Party City wig? No. However, I don’t know if this would have made the episode better or worse. Probably worse, but if you're going to introduce a supernatural town that makes no sense in the show’s context, you might as well add a bad wig for fun.
Amount (or lack thereof) of ridiculousness. It was a super ridiculous episode. You had high school girls running around graves in haunted towns and dead people coming back to life. All this ridiculousness amounts to nothing when you realize it was just a backdoor pilot for Ravenswood. Boo!
It gets exponentially better and more ridiculous.
2nd place: Season 3 Episode 11: This Is a Dark Ride
This episode…I don’t even have the words. It was so fantastic. So ahead of it’s time. First, let me set the scene: The four main girls, their boyfriends and girlfriends (thankfully excluding Ezra F*tz) and the rest of Rosewood have all been invited to a Halloween train Party. And things get weird, quickly! First, we see the girls in insanely cuntiliscous costumes (excluding Aria) and Hannah in, you guessed it, a terrible party city wig!
Back to the plot. A has snuck on the train and is in a Phantom of the Opera mask reeking messy, but harmless havoc on the girls. Meanwhile, there is a 3rd party bad guy who we see attack Spencer, kill Garrett (season 2&3 side character) and put Aria in a box with Garrett's dead body (after drugging her while she was talking to guest singer Adam Lambert).
Aria survives, and while she’s being questioned by the police, Noel Khan and Toby Cavanaugh (more side characters) get into a fight and accidentally bump into the drink holder, knock it over, and outcomes Alison’s dead body wrapped in a morgue bag. Her body had recently been stolen from her grave and was hidden under the ice and beverages the entire night. So, yeah.
*we now know it wasn't her but a girl they identified as Alison, but at this stage in the show everyone believed Alison was in that bag*
Was Alison DiLaurentis behaving menacingly? Does her dead body count? Yes, it does. Check!
Was there a terrible, low-budget, Party City wig? Yes!
Amount (or lack thereof) of ridiculousness. The ridiculous meter almost broke during this episode. There was Mona (an iconic character who regrettably has not been mentioned yet. I beg you to watch the show to see a queen at work) sneaking out of a mental institution to cause problems. Adam Lambert singing. Aria waking up in a box with a dead body. That wig…
Solidly spooky, solidly second!
Now…. the winner….
1st place: Season 2 Episode 13: The First Secret
This, my friends, is what we call perfect television. This episode….something in the universe shifted. People were never the same. Lives were changed.
The episode follows Aria, Hannah, Spencer, Emily and Alison as it details Halloween 2008, when Alison was still alive and behaving like the agent of mischief. We see major plot points unfold, most importantly being Aria and Alison seeing Aria’s dad having an affair with his student and Alison getting threatening messages from “A.” We also see Jenna (legend) and Alison’s first interaction, as the two argue over who gets to be “Lady G” at the upcoming Halloween party.
It wouldn’t be an Alison flashback without Alison blackmailing adults and threatening her friends, and that's exactly how she forces Aria, who just saw her father cheating on her mom, into going to said Halloween party. By telling her if she doesn’t go, she will tell the whole town and humiliate her family. Yay, friendship!
So, the gang goes to the party, and among the costumes (one of them being Emily as a “sexy Native American.” Marlene King, you will pay for your crimes), is one Alison DiLaurentis in the worst, and I mean the worst, wig I have ever seen. Prepare your eyes.
The night goes on, and naturally, we see Alison being terrible to all of her friends. Queer bating Emily, blackmailing Spencer by telling her she rigged the school presidential election, calling Hannah fat at every chance possible. A typical Ali night. That is until she disappears.
Ali is missing, and the four girls are doing everything they can to find her, including walking into the local abandoned house (obvi). Upon arrival, the girls are attacked by a masked assailant but manage to fight them off, and just as they are escaping the house, they hear a scream. It’s Alison! They run back inside, prepared to save their bestie, only to find her sitting in a rocking chair, holding a boom box with pre-recorded cries for help blasting. Jaw. Drop.
Alison, being the menace she is, asks what all the fuss is about. The girls say they heard her scream and saw a bloody knife. She produces the bloody knife and proceeds to lick the blood off it, revealing it was just ketchup. She then asks Hannah, who everyone called “Hefty Hannah,” if she wanted some, and tells the girls that the attacker was just Noel Kahn and it was all an elaborate prank to “test their loyalty to her.” Once they leave the house and go back to the party, Noel finds Ali and tells her he's sorry he missed his cue to prank them. Everyone looks around ominously, wondering if Noel didn't attack the girls, who did?
Everyone was gagged.
Was Alison DiLaurentis behaving menacingly? Yes. This is arguably one of her most menacing episodes of the entire series. Terrorizing her friends, threatening a whole town, fat shaming unsuspecting girls, and all in that fuck ass wig.
Was there a terrible, low-budget, Party City wig? Yes. It haunts me in my sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats thinking about Alison DiLaurentis as Lady G, circa Halloween 2008.
Amount (or lack thereof) of ridiculousness. The ridiculous meter could not withstand this episode. It exploded when Emily came on screen in an incredibly offensive Native American costume, standing next to Spencer, who went as Mary Queen of Scotts. Historical whiplash.
While my brain hurts from recounting the series that was Pretty Little Liars, I’m comforted in knowing the things I convinced myself I had just imagined were indeed shown to the entire world.
Live, Laugh, Lie.