Words by: Kaila Gay
Graphic by: Binaka Norris
My body is different from the porn stars he’s used to watching. I wonder if he pictures them while he goes down on me, wishing I looked like one of those girls online.
What if he doesn’t like my boobs? What if my ass isn’t big enough for him? I can’t hook up with him. I need to shave. I keep my push up bra on and ask to keep the lights off.
When it comes to body image, it’s often something we associate with looking in the mirror, picking at our flaws until we fall apart. But it goes beyond that for most people who struggle with their bodies. In particular, how our insecurities within ourselves impact our experiences with sex- is something widely overlooked when visiting the conversations around body image.
Sexual disconnection and dissociation aren’t exclusive to one-night stands; they can disrupt the most loving relationship too, leading to jealousy and trust issues. Romantic partners can create a false narrative in their heads that they are not enough, sexually inadequate, or that their significant others crave something new. They might fear being judged or left after showing their partners their most raw, authentic selves. Our insecurities consume sexual experiences, often leaving us to spend more time with the thoughts in our heads instead of the person in front (or on top) of us. This is more than a widely held belief; it’s seen in multiple research studies that aim to document the relationship. Science Direct discusses the idea of spectator and performance anxiety, stating, “..the fact that the woman is distracted by her performance, rather than focusing on what is happening at the moment and all the symbolism that surrounds it, can lead to sexual difficulties” (Cuntim & Nobre 2011).
Women enter sexual encounters acting as someone they believe their partner wants them to be instead of being present. The hookup begins, and so does her inner monologue, focused on satisfying the male gaze,
Arch your back. Touch yourself. Give him that look. Tell him he can do anything and everything he wants for you. Submit to his requests. Tell him how good he feels, how good he makes you feel. A compilation of Cosmo and Call Her Daddy tips flood your mind, and suddenly a wall is built between you and him. You dissociate because the thoughts take over, stopping any real connection from forming. The experience is no longer meaningful, just physical.
Sex becomes a song and dance rehearsed on your way over and performed when you get there. There is a formula to follow and calculations to equal the most desirable one. I am no longer seeing him. I am watching him as he watches me.