Words by: Ash Jayy
Graphic by: Kate Carman
We met in late 2020 on TikTok and as a result we didn’t meet in person until over a year into our relationship. By this point we were intimately knowledgeable about each other's bodies and what pleasure looked like for us, despite never being physically together before because we’d spent so much of that first year intimately getting to know each other both sexually and romantically through daily conversations, virtual dates and virtual sex.
One of the questions I get a lot about being in a long distance relationship is “aren’t you worried he’ll cheat on you?” This question usually comes with a heavy implication that because we only get to be physically together, and have sex, a few times per year that it’s only a matter of time before he seeks out release with someone else.
My answer is always no. I’m not worried. This is the man I’m going to marry and we trust each other. The answer I wish I could give is a direct quote from one of my all-time movies, Clueless.
My man is satisfied.
Because being in a long distance relationship doesn’t mean you only have sex when you’re physically together. Why should it? Video calls exist, phone calls exist, messaging exists. Virtual sex can be just as satisfying as physical sex.
This relationship was the first long-distance relationship either of us had been in and so it took a while to work out how our relationship fit into our lives with a 5 hour time difference between us. At the start of any relationship you have to make the time to learn what pleasure looks like for you. This is no different when the relationship is long-distance, there’s just a few more elements to think about.
The first thing to think about is your own preferences. Unless you’re one of those magical people who can come from just hearing someone else speak (or moan) then you’ll be responsible for your own pleasure during long distance sex. Of course, you can be coached through what to do and when by your partner but it still helps to know what angles your body responds best to and the way different ways of touching yourself and different toys makes you feel. Pleasure is different for everyone and the better you know your own the easier it will be to communicate that with your partner.
Communication is also key. In all relationships and sexual experiences but particularly when you’re long distance. The best way to work out what kind of communication works for you during virtual sex is experimenting. Talk each other through the ways you’re touching yourself, talk about what you’d do if you were there in person, talk about what you’ll do to each other next time you’re together in person or don’t talk at all. Just watch and listen to the way you both react to what you’re doing. Always check in with your partner(s) during sex and make sure to discuss what did and didn’t work for you. Keeping the communication open and constant will help you keep improving your experiences. It won’t be perfect immediately, you can keep experimenting for as long as you need.
The last thing that is part of my holy trinity of long distance sex is your toys. Going acoustic now and then can be fun but when you’re having virtual sex more than physical sex some investments can go a long way. Do some research, trust your gut on what you think will work the best for you and you could even invest in toys that your partner(s) can control if you want to make things a little more interesting.
Navigating a long distance relationship can be difficult but that doesn’t make it impossible and it definitely doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship when you’re together and when you’re apart. In fact, together or apart, there’s plenty of ways your partner(s) can make you fall apart. Have fun learning what works for you.