Words by: Nate LeBoeuf
Ins
Tramp Stamps: It feels only right to begin this list with these celestial inks. A tramp stamp can be erotic (exhibit A), whimsical (exhibit B), and always a warm invitation to potential suitors.
Telling someone you have a crush on them: I have trenta-sized regret about the people I was afraid to make a move on. I won’t let anyone sexy slip by me again! The pros of confessing your feelings include (but are not limited to); great sex, growing old with this person, and experiencing the sensation that is only possible after telling someone “I like like you” with sweaty palms and knots in your stomach. The cons may include: low to mild embarrassment and a story to tell your friends later that night. If you are lacking courage or need a gameplan, you can always count on Wikihow to talk you through this.
Green juice: I have written about my adoration for green juice before, and am confident that it will spread like wildfire in 2024. This stuff is liquid alchemy. Also in are carrot juices and beet juices.
Letterboxd: Yes, I care about the movies you watch. And yes, I will watch the movies you rate highly if I think we have similar tastes.
Ethical porn: Platforms like xoafterglow and Bellessa are changing the nature of pornography with accurate, safe, and consensual portrayals of sex. We’re leaving Pornhub behind in 2023 and making changes to our porn diets!
Hairless cats: Need I say more? If this genre of cat could talk, I’d imagine they’d all be philosophy majors with cool piercings. We have a lot to learn from them.
Silence: Please… none of us need to talk that much.
Being queer: We’re on a roll lately but this is OUR YEAR!
Butt stuff: I think it’s fair to say that most people want to be more adventurous in the new year. Instead of trying skydiving, might I suggest… anal? This may be more daunting than climbing mountains for some, but the rewards are endless. This will pair wonderfully with your new tramp stamp.
Outs
One-way blowjobs: Long gone are the days of giving your partner head and receiving nothing in return. Blowjobs are a 2-way street!
Your Digicam: I would prefer it if you left this flashing apparatus at home. The camera in your iphone is, like, such a higher quality. The modern world is full of technological wonders- let’s use them.
Wearing wired headphones to be quirky: This goes hand in hand with digicams. Please, use the cutting-edge Airpods that are collecting dust in your room! Or the Beats your grandfather got you for the holidays! Why would you actively seek out a worse sound quality?
Buying drinks at bars: There are at least 16 reasons why this is so far out the door. Next year, I have no intention to pay $16 for a watered-down whiskey sour. Just make sure you have cocktail ingredients in your house at all times. You can pour your perfect amount of alcohol in, use a sensual glass, and go H.A.M. on the lime squeeze.
Fast fashion: In case this hasn’t been an out for several years now, here is your official announcement that Shein is SheOUT. Please, go out into the world and dig through a thrift store. Borrow cute shirts from friends. Support local, small designers that will eventually be ripped off.
The most important In of 2024 is… APPLYING TO MOODY through the link HERE.
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