Words by: Payton Jones
Graphic by: Nash Peña
It’s ok, hun. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes sex, alcohol and a late night turn into a sleepover. Besides, there's almost nothing more comfortable than a bed you should absolutely stay away from.
Don’t worry, we gotchu. Welcome to Moody’s Guide to the Morning After.
- Wakey wakey.
Good morning, pumpkin. The world missed your beautiful face. Did you have fun? Do you need anything? Water? Tylenol? Time machine? Well, now that you're awake, it’s time to very quickly assess the mood.
02. Read the room.
OK, you're up, things are groggy, I get it, but it's time to tap into your inner Lindsay Lohan and get a clue. Step 2 is all about reading the room. Where is the person from last night? Are they snuggled up next to you or are they across the bed? This is vital information, life or death even. Well……not life or death, but still important!
03. Get up. Get out.
I know, I know, you’re relaxed, but you must get out of there. Once the sun comes up, things get weird and that’s not what you need. Make sure you’ve got your phone, shoes, underwear, and lipgloss… then get your cute ass out of that bed! Say your goodbyes, and keep it mysterious. Or don’t. I never do. The most important thing is that you have and execute the getaway plan. Get that Uber, get that Lyft—I don’t care. Just get the hell out of there.
04. Scrub-a-fucking-dub.
Let the scorching hot water drain every last spec of dirt, spilled alcohol, and boy off of your body. Put all the fruity-scented shit that you have in your hair. Give yourself a lil head massage while you’re at it, because believe it or not, you deserve to be pampered…even if last night felt a bit contradictory to that statement.
05. Recharge.
You know what to do for this. Do whatever the hell “recharge” means to you. Passing out until 7pm? Smoking copious amounts of weed from the bong you haven’t cleaned since last week? Reading a romance novel, watching Bojack Horseman, applying a detox facemask? Any or all of the above, please.
I know, I know. The morning after can suck. But you are safe now. Look at me: today might be filled with hangxiety, apology texts that look like novels, regrets, and maybe even some memories that stamp your psyche like the bruises on your legs (wait a sec…how did those get there?). I know it can be unsettling to sit with. But remember, right now, right here, you are safe. The night is over. And a new day has come.
So go get ‘em babe. Moody is proud of you <3