I Miss Being Fat

OCT–2–2023






Words by: Emily Zito
Graphic by: Araya Peterson


Existing with a big body has always been something I take pride in. As a young girl, I held a high consciousness of my larger-than-my-friends body type, but I also held a self-awareness rooted in undeniable confidence. It satisfied me, knowing no one could take my self-love away from me. On the contrary, it saddened me that many of my peers did not feel the same toward their own bodies. My views and values surrounding body appreciation rely on the foundation I created for myself at a young age—accept and embrace. 

What really fucked with me was when my body became smaller than what I was used to. I guess I lost weight—-unintentionally and subconsciously—-but it happened, and people noticed. Not only did they notice, but they repeatedly made comments like “Wow, you look SO good,” and more bluntly, “You look so thin!” I could feel the undertones oozing out of them as they spoke such “compliments” to me. Enraged, I would wonder, why are they so concerned with the size of my being? And why is it complimentary when I lose fatness? 

These comments mostly came from older women, which tells of the mindset that their (and my) culture has ingrained into us——skinny is the goal. I preface “their” culture because holding aching desires for a skinny body no longer stands at the forefront of beauty standards. I live in a time where fat bodies can and should take up the space they deserve. 

When my clothing fit loosely against my body, I missed my chubbiness. I didn't know what to do with this new, thinner, foreign body. Eventually, I got used to it, though, and loved her always, no matter what. It was weird, though, because my 'lil chubby belly was what I loved. 

Torn between my own definitions of attractiveness—big x thick—and society’s standard—thin—I wasn’t sure how to be grateful for a body that I never desired. Learning to cherish a different shape definitely took some adjustment. 

Well, here I am, back to being Fat. 

It’s real wild experiencing a body—I think I know so well—change. But I guess that’s what’s cool about it. You get to know—and learn to love—every phase. It’s okay that your body gets smaller, and it’s beautiful when your body gets bigger and wider and plumper and curvier.

She fuels you, she protects you, she heals you, she keeps you healthy, she keeps you warm!!! Give her grace. 

Being just 22, this was the first time I experienced such a physical change that felt out of my control. This is because I was just being; I was—I am—just existing. 

I've realized that navigating our bodies’ ever-changing existence accompanies age, circumstances, and experience. Overall, we must continue to radically hold space for acceptance and neutrality. 

So, this is your friendly, loving reminder to check in with your body—and mind and soul!!!—and practice patience with yourself. Our bodies exist in a constant state of change. Love on and trust the ebb and flow. Give care and be kind. 

& p.s. you’re hot as fuck!!