Finding Yourself in the Face of Adversity 
AUG–15–2024






Words by: Kim Engelhardt


There were many times in my own life when I thought I was done with love, when the pain was so overwhelming, that all I wanted to do was to switch off and disconnect from my current reality. What did my reality look like? It seemed like everytime I really fell for someone, they would leave me. Sometimes there was an explanation, a direct conversation, sometimes they would simply ghost me and I would never get the closure that I thought I needed. If somebody wanted to commit to me I felt like the luckiest person on earth and I would hold onto that luck for dear life. I put my partner on a pedestal, accepted that my needs were never going to be met and suppressed my feelings. For a long period of my life it felt as though I was sleepwalking through life, like I was on autopilot. And that autopilot response kept me stuck in a perpetual cycle of unhappiness. I had never known relationships to be different. This pattern came to a pivotal point when my long term relationship of almost six years came to the same, familiar end. It was the lowest I had ever felt in my life. When the suffering came to its maximum, a thought struck me so hard, it interrupted my ‘ugly cry moment’. “You gave away your power, now take it back!”

I’d had enough of the same old story replaying before my eyes. I decided to use this pain as my fuel to become the new version of me. But instead of just hitting the gym and going on a lot of dates with new people, I knew the change I was craving had to come through deeper practices. Working as a hypnotherapist had given me the tools to understand other people’s patterns, it was time to apply my wisdom and knowledge to myself.

I thought back of the characteristics of my past relationships. It was a sobering moment. But I realized that in fact things hadn’t always been consistently bad. There were times when I had been happy and when I had felt connected to my partners. Those moments of course hadn’t lasted for a considerably long time, but they gave me a reference to how love should feel for the majority of the time. I traced back when things had taken a turn for the worse. And finally I was able to connect the dots. My thoughts were the driving force of my circumstances. Everytime I started to date someone, I was calm, I felt safe and I was excited to get to know this new person. Things were great. Then after a few months, my fears of abandonment and rejection kicked in. That was when the relationship dynamics shifted too, inevitably leading to the outcome that I had feared the most. I peeled away layers of beliefs that had interfered with my desire. I noticed that I had never believed that I could be a priority for people, that they would choose things and even other people over me. As a result I had encountered several occasions of canceled dates, had been ignored and even had to compete with other girls. All this time, my partners reacted to whichever state I was in. Everyone around me was my mirror, reflecting back my dominant thoughts. And I wanted the reflection to change, so I had to change myself. If I had this power to create these unfavorable circumstances, that would mean, I would have the power to create something favorable.

I told myself what I really needed to hear: “You are the priority now. You are important. The people you love always stay. You are always connected to the people you love.” A few weeks after I had started this practice, I noticed a significant change in people’s behavior towards me.

Strangers, family members, clients and friends started showing up for me a lot more than usual. Everyone suddenly wanted to meet up with me, I had more clients than ever before, and family members who were usually stubborn, opened up towards me. There was also a noticeable change within me. Inner calm and peace took over the previous, all consuming anxiety. Now there was no reason for resentment towards my exes anymore. I was in control. The people in our lives are our greatest teachers. But it’s never about blaming ourselves, it’s about empowerment. Sometimes circumstances can be terrible, we can get badly hurt. But as humans we are born with an innate resilience and we have the astonishing ability to pick ourselves back up.

We are put on this planet to find connection and experience love, but it all starts with the relationship we have with ourselves. So if you are going through heartbreak of any sort, instead of looking for reasons outside of yourself, go within! You will discover the key to everything there is and ever will be: your wonderful, lovable self.