Words by: Jacob Tolédo
Growing up in a hispanic household, your flaws are turned into nicknames and jokes that come from a loving place- but still, the knife turns and twists your insides. At the age of 9 ‘Gordito’ & ‘gordo’ were a placeholder for my name because it was more important to point out the body that I was forming rather than the name I was born with. Spending time hiding myself in television, seeing characters like Mercedes from Glee and Trish from Austin & Ally being portrayed as the ‘fat funny friend’ made me question myself and question if I was abnormally large & had to be the ‘fat funny friend’
I had to adapt to what I thought would take the attention off the body I was working with. I had to make my humor the center of attention so I wasn’t the punch line. My stretch marks that have consumed my body like a map, enclosed in oversized shirts, hoodies & sweatshirts. Taking pictures in a certain angle so maybe I’ll have a jawline and maybe I’ll be desirable. Feeling uncomfortable in shirts that accentuated my bigger chest. Struggling and still struggling with this body that I shouldn’t be ashamed of.
Everything I’ve seen, heard & experienced made me have a hate relationship with my body. Seeing everyone else find love and in the back of my brain, I blamed it on the fact that I’m not smaller and a size 38 in pants. The fashion world still rejects plus sized models because in the eyes of fashion, sample size is what the world looks like and in the words of Karl Lagerfeld “No one wants to see curvy women”. I refuse to accept any of that; I refuse to accept that just because I can’t fit into Brandy Melville’s ‘one-size’ standard, I don’t deserve to love my body.
Being a bigger person that isn’t extremely happy with my body, I try to buy things that are more oversized for my body and not as tight fitting. With that in mind, it’s discouraging when I see something I really want to wear, then I go look at the sizes and the biggest size they go to is XL. In the fashion industry, I wish more brands realized what the world looks like. I’m not skinny and that should be celebrated and not rejected by brands. It’s hard to look at my body with happiness when even some of my favorite fashion houses would laugh if I walked into their stores.
There have been times where cutting up my body was the only thing in mind. Cutting up the parts I hate about myself and hoping to get the result that society wants. Someone told me once that they hated Lizzo for representing a ‘toxic lifestyle’; when in reality all she represented was a love for her body. That comment resided with me for a while because if someone like Lizzo can be criticized for loving her body, why should I even fight through what I’m fighting through with my body?
Whilst the war I have with my body and mind is still in combat, I hope that the upcoming generations get to grow into their bodies and feel the warmth and love that their bodies have to offer. It might have taken me awhile and it’s still taking me awhile to appreciate everything that my body has to offer me but I will get there. The body I have shouldn’t be a determining factor for how someone treats me or views me. Here’s to wearing mesh to show off the beautiful marks your body has graced you with and to saying “fuck you” to the societal expectations of a size 0.
‘Life of the fat, funny friend’ - Maddie Zahm