Words by: Kandra Zaw
“Are they holding my hand in public or parading me around like an object?
Am I secretly or subconsciously some sort of accessory to them?
Just like another handbag they’ve acquired?”
Maybe, the only reason they expressed interest in me is that they have never interacted with someone like me–by “someone like me,” I mean someone who is Asian. Even the most gentle shows of affection could now contain darker undertones.
“You remind me of this one anime character.”
“Oh my god! I have never been with someone of your kind; you are so exotic!”
“My friends keep joking that I have an Asian fetish, but I swear, I just happen to like women who are Asian.”
These are the types of comments I have heard all throughout my life. So when I ask myself, “Do they actually like me?” I’m not referring to a lack of affection or attention, but more Do they like me for me or because of my race? This thought has always been at the forefront of my mind when engaging with potential romantic interests.
Did they notice me because of my race?
Is my race being viewed as some accessory?
Are my ethnic features being equated to a carefully sourced leather good?
Am I the first Asian girl they have ever been with?
How many other Asian girls have they been with before me?
Am I just playing into their fantasies?
Navigating relationships as a person of color comes with the same anxieties that all people experience, with additional anxieties piled on top. Every other anxiety-inducing question regarding the relationship is now in relation to race.
This feeling of uneasiness has only increased since coming to Syracuse University, a predominantly white institution. Unless someone is from a major city in America, chances are that college is the first time they’ve been exposed to a more diverse population. So, when someone approaches me, I always have to consider race as the third “person” in the relationship. They say college is the time to experiment,
So am I just an experiment?
In a place like a college, where people are grouped by common interests and shared experiences, is being with a person of color something that differentiates them?
Do they pick out a partner in the same way they would shop for an accessory? Looking for “unique” and “exotic” features?
The idea of someone committing to you for the wrong reasons is deeply nauseating and unsettling. For a person of color, the question “Do they actually like me?” becomes far more complex. The prospect of being perceived as an object becomes a reality. In theory, relationships form when two people like each other, but perhaps we should consider what it is about someone that attracts us to them.
There is no official rulebook on how to navigate relationships, and there certainly is not one on interracial relationships. However, there is a question to be asked: what do you like about your partner? If the answers you come up with are related to their racial/ethnic background, perhaps it would be better to reconsider the nature of your feelings.
While that is an important part of who they are, reducing someone to that single element can give grounds for their anxiety regarding the relationship. Being mindful of someone’s identity is one way to relieve some of the anxieties in a relationship.