Words by: Jennie Bull
Art by: Nicole Allen
Art by: Nicole Allen
TW: This interview discusses topics surrounding eating disorders, nudity, and body dysmorphia, please read at your own discretion.
J: Hi, Nicole. It’s so nice to finally meet you! Can you please give our readers a little introduction on yourself and your background?
N: Hi there! It’s a pleasure to meet you as well, thank you for giving me the space to discuss this! I’m a recent graduate of the Parsons Design History and Practice program, which is basically half studio based practice and half is art history based. I grew up in a really small town in Connecticut, and then I moved here (NYC) for college and it really changed my life. I think, if I didn’t do that, I don’t know if I would be here today.
J: Is that how you started your social media journey? When you moved to New York?
N: Hmmm. Okay, so that’s interesting. When I started my Instagram, I think it was 2014, which was kind of when my life went to shit.
J: Classic.
N: I started off by wanting to be a blogger / influencer so badly. I would basically force my parents, my sister, and my friends to take pictures of me wherever, literally every single day. At the time, it was fun, but it was not authentic. I was getting a lot of praise for how I looked but it was completely fake. I think that really added to the whole issue with my eating and my weight. Then in high school, I started talking about my journey with my ED when I was still going through it. It was really hard at first to present my true self to the online world. I would sit and stare at a picture, even of my face, and I’d think my cheeks look so huge. I thought everyone would unfollow me and think I’m ugly. Now, I’m finally posting images directly from my camera roll. Back when FaceTune was my most used app, I was so ashamed. I would edit my pictures in public, but I would have to turn my brightness down all the way.
J: In a sense, it is an addiction, the addiction to editing and creating the perfect self.
N: Yeah, I think we talk a lot about addictions to drugs, alcohol, and sex; but I feel like we don’t really talk about eating and the internet. It’s just so harmful, it really is deadly.
J: Definitely. What do you feel like is one experience specifically that shaped you the most on your journey towards body positivity? And leaving this toxic influencer culture behind?
N: There was a time where the only people I would follow online were the Kardashian equivalents of Instagram. I would just scroll and screenshot, and save all of these images to bring to the gym and I would stare at them, and think to myself, Okay, if I do this for my arms for 10 minutes, and then I go to my abs, and then my butt, etc. It got to a point where I was told by my doctors if you do not change this and turn this around, your organs will shut down and you won’t be alive. I was in denial but it wasn’t until then that I started to realize the severity of it all. I thought to myself, if I die then I won’t become an artist. I won’t be around my friends or family. That is why I want to use my journey and my privilege to give back to the people who are so young online. I’m just one girl and I don’t know how I can change it, but I feel the urge and the desire to.
J: Do you think that the era of influencers is forever doomed? Or do you think there’s a possible light to it at the end of the tunnel?
N: I think it can go both ways. For me, it’s hard because I have curated my Instagram to be filled with the people that are trying to help so I have a skewed perception. I go online, and I’m like, this is amazing. But then I have to remember that I chose to follow these accounts, I chose to unfollow those who triggered me. I think the progress has to come from outside of the internet, I don’t think the internet can do it alone. It comes down to how we reshape what is considered hot and beautiful. I see what young people are looking at online, and they’re already trying to diet and change how they look. I can’t convince them since they’re so influenced by these people online. I think it has to come from higher up, which sucks, because I don’t think the higher up cares, they just pretend to. They only want to profit off of insecurity and dependency, which is easy because so many people haven’t experienced life without social media, and I think it’s so important to pave a safe path for generations to come.
J: It’s hard to feel good about yourself in a society that’s engineered to make you think the opposite. What makes you feel the sexiest?
N: I would have to say, at the beach. In the past, it felt like somewhere I had to be perfect, always on alert of how my body looked, sucking in at every possible moment. Now, letting go of all that, just being in the water and being around my friends, with the sand and sun on my skin. It’s weird to say, but it helps me remember that I am alive, I’m a person, and I have a physical self. I think sometimes we forget that, especially somebody who’s been so disassociated from their actual self for so long. It’s just nice to be reminded in that tactile way.
J: What are some of your favorite ways to practice mindfulness and reground yourself, especially during the wintertime or times when you can’t be in nature?
N: Something that has really helped me is making art. When I paint I don’t have anything happening in my mind. I just feel the brushes flow, and I’m not worried about having a perfect outcome. It’s uncomfortable at first because you think I need stimulation; I need the perfect song playing, I need a show playing, I need all this stuff to entertain me. But to repel technology for even just an hour is so nice. I think it’s just really important that everybody finds that one thing that really disconnects them from the constantness of the mind. For me, it’s been art, and it’s been really nice to have the opportunity to heal myself through my art. I feel that finally I’ve gotten to a place where I can say, I’m completely healed.
J: Hell yeah. Wow, that is just such a lovely statement to say, can we just pause? That is such a lovely statement.
N: Like I’m sure I’m sure I have a lot more to do, but I finally don’t feel the urge to change myself.
J: The fact that you’re so young and able to say something like that is so inspiring. Past your thesis collection, what is next for your art?
N: I don’t really have any specific pathways in my mind. I would love to do larger scale pieces, maybe one that is my exact height. Maybe even exploring variations of me at different stages of my life, different ages, young and old.
J: What do you want people to feel when looking at your art?
N: At the end of the day, I want people to feel seen and heard. I hope I can eventually get to that point where somebody just comes up to me someday, and says, you helped me. Everybody’s afraid but we have to be okay with that. It’s okay to be afraid, especially in terms of feeling like you’re the only one, even though you’re not. It comes back to us being afraid to reveal our true selves, especially online.
J: What a perfect way to bring it full circle. If you could give one blanket statement that you would want all of our readers to know or think about, what would you say?
N: So this is so funny, because when I was talking to my mom recently, she came up with this really funny and cute title for my capstone. It was something like “Old, new. Just be you”, I thought that was so sweet. You can age and you can reinvent who you are, but in the end, you’ll always be you. And there’s comfort in knowing that at the end of the day, you’ll always have you. It’s important to cherish that rather than trying to change it all the time. I was, like mom, like, I’m not making that the title. But I appreciate you.
J: That brings me so much joy, thank you. It has been such an honor to chat with you today!
N: Thank you so much! I’m forever grateful to you and the Moody family!
Check out Nicole’s work here