Dear Mia, is it bad to hookup with someone who you know is a horrible person but the sex is really good?

I see friends of mine fucking awful people for good sex all the time, and I’ve done this more times than I care to admit. In the end, it’s never done anything for us. I was always left feeling the same, if not worse. It makes me sick.

Asking if it’s “bad” is such a black and white way of thinking and not what people really are asking when they tell their friends “they suck but the sex is great”. What’s actually being asked is “is this justifiable?” and/or “will you cosign this decision to make me feel better about doing it?”. When people usually bring this up, it’s in a joking way, it’s silly and laughable, so yes- on a surface level it can be justifiable since you’re getting something out of it. 

I’ve been willing to put up with all types of mistreatment and disrespect in exchange for some good sex. But why? What has made me so willing to do this? Essentially, good sex in this situation is a temporary Band-aid to cover up or escape what is really going on. The underlying answer to the “why” is much greater and deeper than what the Band-aid could ever resolve, because we keep going back for more. If good sex could fix whatever I’m trying to escape, and was a sufficient Band-aid, then I could just have it once and be done with it. In this context, having sex is seeking a sense of feeling good and it’s an unsustainable solution. The reality is that I had continuously been putting on that Band-aid over and over again to no avail. 

Now I’m not sure what this thing is for you and personally, I was unwilling to see that there was anything wrong. I was always fucking or dating someone and it didn’t even matter if they absolutely sucked. It’s taken time and it’s been hard to see, but for me, I was always trying to escape being alone and the feeling of inadequacy. Another person would be the perfect Band-aid, two birds with one stone - or so I thought.

Wait! There’s more! Yes, this might feel good in the moment but ultimately you have to take a look at what this will do to you in the long run. How will this affect your standards, self worth, trust, etc.? Being with someone who is shitty will only lead you to believe that this is what you deserve, that there is nothing better for you out there, that you can settle. Maybe you’re thinking that you know you deserve better but the sex being “so” good is fair enough. But what good is knowing that you deserve better if you’re going to settle for less? 

Our actions shape our thoughts and what we believe. 

I still don’t know how to answer your question of “is it bad?”. I’m not big on the binary system of judgment: good, bad, yes, no, right, wrong etc. I want to see you be treated with love and respect, to be with someone who actually deserves you, and to accept nothing less. This person isn’t that and they’re not going to solve your problems or lead you to healthier standards. I know you think the Band-aid will kiss itself better, but no sex is worth your self worth, because I promise you, you are worthy of more.

 x, Mia
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